This is hard. Today was really tough. There were moments of wanting to stop, because no-one would know, would they? The fourth minute out of ten is tough. The fourteenth minute out of twenty is hard. So I talk to myself, all the time. Just five more minutes, two more. We are doing an exercise in coaching, of observing every emotion we feel, over three days. I feel my wavering spirit. The last ten minutes on the cycle are on the lowest resistance rating possible. I feel very old. I want to stop. Head down, don't think anymore, just finish. I feel like crying on my way home.
I've been thinking about the ethics of this act. How even when what one does is not visible to anyone else, it matters what choices you make, I believe.
A bit like the beautiful craftsmanship of Shaker furniture, where even the underneath of a wooden chair is finished perfectly, uncompromisingly, even though no-one sees it. An action, even one not witnessed by anyone else, still involves making choices which have ethical implications. A bit like the invisibility of one's conscience to the world. If I relate this to this challenge, then the ethical issue is one of having made a promise to do something, which if I do not do what I say I will, I break the trust people have put in me, which will impacts negatively on my relationships and also on responses to the next well-intentioned person who wants to do a similar thing. Promises are built on trust, and trust is key to relationships. Relationships are built on trust, and the risk taken in entering into relationships is to trust.
I was taught by my dad that when you promise to do something, it is very difficult to break that promise. And while as an adult, I understand that sometimes the reasons for breaking a promise may be more nuanced, and I don't believe in the black and white of right and wrong as a child might, I feel in this case a real commitment to doing this, and doing it as well as I can.
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